With years of experience learning about self-love, implementing it in my own life, and teaching it to clients, I sometimes forget how vague the term really is.

For people outside of the mental health field and for those who haven’t gone on their own self-love journey, they may not have a great understanding of what self-love means or why it even matters.

I’ve been thinking about this quite a bit since I wrote Self-Love Journal for Women and I’ve been asked what the book is about.

In the introduction of the book, I briefly explain that I went on my own self-love journey and how that has improved my life.

In this blog, I’m going to share a bit more about that to help explain what self-love is (or at least what it means to me) and why it is so important.

I share this because I think we can learn from each other’s journeys and because learning to be vulnerable has been a huge part of my self-love journey and what’s more vulnerable than sharing our personal struggles.

My Self-Love Journey

Self-love includes self-care, self-esteem, self-compassion, self-acceptance, and self-worth. Each of those begins forming in childhood, so that’s where my, and your, journey began.

I grew up with a single mom (and as her only child) in a predominately Caucasian area and school district.

I experienced racism, was bullied at times for my weight, and felt uncomfortable in my body. I lived with undiagnosed ADHD until I was 19.

There were high expectations and strict rules, not a lot of room for mistakes, building confidence, or learning to trust or be kind to myself.

This all translated into body image issues, perfectionism, people pleasing, and low self-worth.

How I Coped

Throughout childhood, I liked to dress up in goofy outfits and do other goofy things to get attention. Throughout high school and college, I drank a lot.

On the surface, being goofy wasn’t such a “bad” thing and drinking could’ve been seen as teenage fun.

But, like so many things, when you look deeper, there’s more to the story.

There are lots of ways people cope with body image issues, perfectionism, people pleasing, and low self-worth. I learned early on that by coping with these struggles and insecurities by drinking and being the class clown, I got a lot of friends.

These coping strategies were my survival strategies. High school and college can be hard experiences for so many, but considering the internal struggles I was experiencing, I actually had a great time.

I was well-liked and had a lot of fun. I don’t regret any part of my journey because it got me to where I am now.

But I do look back on my teenage self with sadness, knowing how much she doubted herself.

How her self-worth had been affected by being let down by people who were supposed to be there for her.

How she hadn’t been taught how to validate or love herself.

How she felt like she needed to put on a show to be liked and accepted by others.

How she probably would’ve made stronger and more authentic connections with people if she had just been herself.

What Started to Change

After college, I went straight into graduate school to get my Master’s Degree in counseling.

Briefly, my unhealthy coping skills shifted from drinking too much to exercising too much (yes, there is such a thing) and restricting what I ate.

I was stuck in an all or nothing mindset, which had me berating myself if I missed a day at the gym or ate “too much” or didn’t eat the “right” things that day.

About half way through graduate school, things started to change for me.

I really started to lean into relationships that were healthy for me.
I met new friends who accepted me for me.
I cared about school for the first time and gained confidence through doing well in grad school.

I believe each of these were a starting point for me to begin moving from insecurity and self-doubt to self-confidence, self-acceptance, and self-love.

In the last year of graduate school, I started dating my (now) husband. I’m not sure that I would’ve been in a place to have a healthy relationship with him if I hadn’t already started my self-love journey, and my self-love has continued to grow and evolve since we started dating.

I believe this continued progress is due to a few factors.

Where I Am Now

My husband and I have a healthy relationship that I believe has helped heal both of us from past relational hurts.

I’ve continued to deepen my learning about self-love and all that it encompasses, especially self-compassion.

Through all of the growth and change, I’m still the same person I’ve always been. I like to have fun, make others laugh, and exercise. The differences now are that I:

Drink very moderately
Have a much healthier relationship with food and my body
Exercise about 5 times per week and don’t berate myself when I exercise less than that
Have fun and make others laugh from an authentic place, not from a place where I feel like I need to do so to be liked and accepted

My acceptance comes from within first and foremost. Acceptance from others is just a bonus.

My relationships with others are more authentic, deeper, and more meaningful.

My self-talk comes from a place of compassion and love for myself.

My ability to set boundaries and put myself first continues to grow and improve.

My business continues to grow and flourish because I feel confident in my capabilities and know my limitations.

My healthy coping skills include being physically active, getting 8 hours of sleep each night, nurturing healthy relationships, spending time outside, and setting the boundaries I need to protect my time, energy, and peace.

Final Notes

Starting or continuing on your self-love journey doesn’t mean you will become a different person. It doesn’t mean who you are now is wrong or bad.

It means you will grow into the person you want to be. It means you will shed off layers of fear and self-doubt, so that the authentic parts of you can truly shine.

It also means that you will be able to see yourself through a loving lens, rather than through a lens full of criticism, impossible standards, and doubt.

We all deserve to see ourselves in this way and to treat ourselves with the same kindness and respect that we give to others and believe others deserve.

My journey has not been perfect. It will never be perfect and it doesn’t need to be. This journey will also never end because self-love is a lifelong journey.

Although that might feel overwhelming, I think it’s also something to be grateful and hopeful for. We get to spend a lifetime improving our relationships with ourselves and others. So, if your self-love isn’t where you want it to be now, it can get better.

If you’ve checked out my book, I’d love to know which parts of it have been most helpful for you! Feel free to DM me on Instagram or send me an email.

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