How Do You Make Friends (As An Adult)?
Making friends can be a challenging task at any age, and it can be especially challenging as an adult.
When we’re in school, it can be easier. We’re surrounded by the same people, sometimes 13+ years. When we’re with those same people for so long, we’re more likely to find someone who we feel connected to. We have grown up with some of those people. We live in the same area and have some shared experiences with them. With that, we may also have similar interests, values, and perspectives as some of our classmates.
Once we leave school environments, we no longer have that same pre-set group of peers. Sure, many of us go off to work, but your coworkers may not be such a cohesive group of people. This is not to say that coworkers can’t be a great source of friendship (more on my own experience with this below). However, it is just not the same as it was in school.
When we become adults and make our way into “real life,” it can take more effort to find and make friends sometimes. The transition to adulthood comes with many changes, including changes in relationships. We grow up, change interests, move away, start families, etc. All of which can mean moving away from old friendships, intentionally or not, and that can leave you feeling lonely without making new friends to fill their place. It is very possible to make great adult friendships, but it is often a different experience, and many of my clients have expressed not knowing how to approach the new experience of making friends as an adult.
My Experience
After leaving college, I went on to grad school where I made some good friends (one whom I still talk to regularly and work with today!), but that was still in the school environment. Outside of school, I worked at the YMCA. It was there that I met the closest group of friends I’ve had as an adult, as well as my husband. My friend and coworker asked if I wanted to play in a volleyball league at our YMCA. I love volleyball, so I was excited to accept that offer, while having no idea that it would lead to the great relationships that followed.
We played in that volleyball league together, many other leagues to follow, worked out together daily for a few years, and have spent a lot of time together outside of those activities since then. My husband and I started dating and later got married, where those friends were in attendance at our wedding party (we got married at the court house). We have been to the weddings of the other friends in that group who have gotten married so far. One of those friends comes over to our house each week to work out and play guitar with my husband. I say all of that to say - I’ve found that one of the most helpful ways to make friends as an adult is to try. Try putting yourself out there, try new things, try stepping out of your comfort zone and taking risks.
It won’t always work out. Believe me, I’ve had made share of adult relationships that haven’t worked out for a variety of reasons, and I know it can be scary to realize that there is the possibility of rejection or things otherwise not working out. But when it does, it can be amazing, and either way, it can be an important and helpful experience in your life.
Your story won’t be mine, but I hope for a similar experience and success for you.
Ideas of Ways to Find and Create Adult Friendships:
How To Do It
Step out of your comfort zone and be open to new experiences / new people
Work on managing any anxiety you may be feeling around meeting new people
Work on building your confidence and self-esteem
Meet friends through other friends or other people you know, like, and trust
If there is somewhere you go frequently, try going to those places at around the same time of day each time you go. This may help you run into the same people who also frequent those spots.
Where To Do It
Work or school
Gym or fitness classes
Coffee shop
Bookstore
Church or other spiritual communities
Volunteer opportunities
Join classes, hobby clubs, or recreational sports leagues
Bumble BFF app
meetup.com
Local Facebook groups or groups related to your interests / hobbies
Local Nextdoor app
I saw a post recently from someone who expressed a desire for more friendships / connections, and there were an abundance of people in the comments who were happy to reply, share that they have the same desire, and offer to make plans to meet up with others.
It may be helpful to remember that adult friendships can feel and look a bit different than friends you made while growing up. With adult friends, you may not have the same shared childhood experiences, so it may feel different than with those whom you did share those experiences, but it can also leave more room for appreciating differences in and learning from each other.
You also may not (in fact, you likely won’t) talk to or see each other as often as you have with childhood or college friends. Again, this can feel different or “wrong” at first. It can feel like you’re not as close with them or that they don’t like you as much as other friends have, but this is completely normal in adulthood.
With everyone’s lives changing and being so busy, it is normal to see and speak to adult friends less, sometimes much less, than you did with previous friends. This can change even from early 20s to mid and late 20s, as many people go through a lot of changes and transitions during those years.
It’s okay to start small and build from there as you gain confidence in your ability to step out of your comfort zone and make connections with others. If you feel like you have been trying these suggestions and have had continued difficulty with making connections, maybe talk to someone about it. There may be something else that is impacting your ability to connect that a mental health professional can help you discover and work through.
Once you start making friends (all you really need is one acquaintance to get started!), it can feel easier to continue building on that connection and to create other connections, as well. It can feel scary to put yourself out there - none of us likes the possibility of rejection - but if loneliness and disconnection are the alternatives, then putting yourself out there may be worth the risk. Try to remember that you will not like everyone and not everyone will like you, and honestly, it would be exhausting to have everyone want to talk to you and spend time with you. Quality over quantity is important in our relationships, and there are people out there who can bring quality connection to your life.