How to Stop People Pleasing
The next blog will be about signs of people pleasing tendencies and what may cause them. It may be a bit backwards to post about how to stop these tendencies first, but I love talking about boundaries, so here it is!
Keep reading to find some helpful tips about how to stop people pleasing and start putting yourself first.
Boundaries!
From what I’ve read, observed with clients, and experienced myself, a large part of people pleasing is a need for stronger boundaries. This may involve creating and sticking to:
Healthier time boundaries, such as:
Setting your priorities - prioritizing who you really want to help / spend time with and prioritizing your time and values.
Having a time limit - “I can help out but I have to leave by 10:00.”
Healthier emotional or mental boundaries, such as:
Understanding that the other person’s reaction to your response is not your responsibility.
Knowing your emotional limits - “I want to support you in this, but I am also feeling overwhelmed. Can I call you back tomorrow?”
Acknowledging that someone is talking about a subject that is making you uncomfortable - “I respect your opinion on that, but I will not continue this conversation with you.” - or is harmful to you or others - “I will not tolerate you making homophobic statements.”
Healthier physical or material boundaries, such as:
Voice when you feel uncomfortable with someone in your personal space.
Only borrowing items that you feel comfortable borrowing to people whom you feel comfortable borrowing to.
Healthier social boundaries, such as:
Understanding that your relationships will actually be stronger when you don’t “over-function” by consistently sacrificing your own needs for those of the other people. This often causes the other people to “under-function,” which creates an imbalance in your relationship and leaves you feeling unimportant, resentful, etc.
Positive Self-Talk and Recognizing Your Successes
Along with setting firm, heathy boundaries, I have also seen and experienced the power of self-compassion. Unfortunately, we are hard-wired for the negatives and commonly, we are most negative towards ourselves. Developing a kind relationship with ourselves is key to success in many areas, including changing people pleasing tendencies.
When we people please, we may also have low confidence which can leave us focusing on the negatives or things that go wrong. Use of positive self-talk, including self-validation or mantras, can help you follow through with your attempts to stop people pleasing tendencies and build your confidence to continue. For example:
“I can do this.”
“They will still like me, even if I say no.”
“I have to say no to this. I will be okay - no matter what their reaction is.”
“I have a right to say that I can’t help with this right now.”
“I made the right decision for myself today.”
“I did a really great job not giving into that today. I’m proud of myself.”
“It makes sense that I feel nervous about standing up for myself, but it will be better for me to do it.”
Start Small
Like with most things, practice is important and starting small can help ease you into it. Some ways to start small with ending people pleasing habits:
Practice in relationships that feel safe. Think about someone in your life who you really trust and feel safe with, someone who you are not worried will respond negatively to your first “no.” It is typically easier to practice with this person, and once you feel comfortable or even confident in saying “no” with them, then you can move on to try with other people, too.
Think about a situation that may be an easier place to start. For example:
“No” to the neighbor who asks to borrow your things far too frequently
“No” to the friend who is asking you to help them move.. again!
“No” to the family friend who wants you to babysit for free
Another way to start small is to go back to our boundaries. If saying “no” to anyone in any situation seems too daunting, try offering an alternative instead. Using the examples above:
“You can borrow my lawn mower one more time, but I need it back by Saturday so I can mow my lawn.”
“I can help you with the move for one hour tomorrow.”
“I am not in a financial position to work for free right now, but I’m willing to discuss rates with you.”
Explore Self-Acceptance and Authenticity
Accepting who you are and being authentic are both ways to combat your tendency to people please because both bring you confidence and a greater willingness to put yourself first.
This tends to be an ever evolving, life long journey, so anytime is a good time to start. A mental health professional can help you with this journey.
You are definitely not alone in feeling the need or desire to please others. People pleasing is common, but it is possible to learn new habits and you may be able to try by using some (or all!) of the tips that I mentioned in this post.
For more information on people pleasing, read my next post What Does it Mean to People Please and Why Do I Do It?.