How To Let Go of Control
Do you…
Feel like the household chores need to be done a particular way?
Want to know where your loved ones are at all times?
Feel like even the smallest changes can throw off your day?
Dislike spontaneity or unexpected things?
Tend to be rigid in your thoughts and plans?
These can be signs that you feel a need for control in your life.
People who experience high levels of anxiety tend to be more likely to feel a need for control. A perceived or real threat to safety is a common trigger for anxiety, and having control can provide a sense of safety and security.
Also similar to anxiety, control can be rooted in fear. The fear of the unknown. The fear of what will happen if you don’t have or give up control. A need for control can also be a trauma response, in an attempt to regain the safety that was lost as a result of the trauma.
A strong desire for control can also show itself through perfectionism and even people pleasing. With perfectionism, this can reveal itself through attempting to do everything yourself so that you have full control over the outcome. When we people please, we are, usually unconsciously, controlling the situation by acting in a way that we think will illicit the response we want from others.
When it feels like you’ve lost control, you may experience a spike in stress, anxiety, frustration, and related symptoms. It can also trigger trauma responses because traumatic events are out of our control and have threatened our sense of safety.
Feeling a strong need for control can also have negative impacts on your relationships with others. Humans typically don’t like someone keeping track of where we are or what we’re doing or telling us how we should do something. When you have a hard time letting go of the control over others, this may be impacting your connections with them.
First, we’ll take a look at some other examples of what is in your control and what is not in your control.
Examples of what is in your control:
How you respond
How you spend your time
Who you spend your time with
How you take care of yourself
How you spend your money
Choices you make
What you post and look at online
Boundaries that you set with yourself and others
Examples of what is not in your control:
Weather, aging, and traffic
How others respond to you
How others spend their time
How others think, behave, communicate, and feel
Choices made by others
Whether they respect your boundaries
From the pandemic, social distancing, vaccines, social justice issues, and laws getting overturned and polarizing views on all of it, it’s no wonder you may be feeling out of control. With these and other events of the past 2+ years, there has been a collective feeling of being out of control - either out of control of yourself or others, or maybe even both.
In times of uncertainty and feeling out of control, it is a common reaction to hold on even tighter to control. However, this is an unhelpful response because you are trying to find control in situations that are truly out of your control. Instead, it is more helpful to focus on what you can control.
Well, how can we do that? How can we take back a sense of control in our lives? And how can we let go of the many things that we can’t control?
How to find a sense of control and let go of what you can’t control:
Accept reality and build your tolerance to uncertainty.
Life is full of uncertainty. It’s full of changes and unmet expectations. This can be a difficult reality to accept, but the more you are able to move towards this acceptance, the more free you will become. The following suggestions can be helpful in achieving this.
Practice mindfulness and grounding techniques to help you live in the present moment.
When you are caught up in wanting control, you are living in the future. You are worried about the outcome of what will happen. And when we are not present, we are missing out on what is happening right here and now. By staying present and grounded, you are less concerned with the outcome and you get to enjoy more of your life.
Write or talk about your feelings.
Your need for control may be a reaction to unpleasant feelings. Feelings that go unaddressed can lead to increased feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression. By talking to a trusted loved one or mental health professional or writing in a journal, you are taking control of how your emotions are managed and improving your emotional regulation skills. So instead of living in the state of fear of the loss of control, you can take back control and manage the unpleasant emotions in healthy ways.
Practice gratitude and challenge unhelpful thoughts can help shift your focus and put things into perspective.
Is it really that important that your partner loads the dishwasher a certain way? Or that your friend is hanging out with someone who you don’t like? Practicing gratitude and challenging unhelpful thoughts can help you create psychological distance from an issue that you feel stuck on.
For example, you are feeling frustrated because you have expressed to your friend that you don’t like who they are hanging out with and why, but your friend continues to hang out with them. Refocusing your thoughts and attempting to see the situation from the other person’s point of view will help you feel less emotionally impacted and, therefore, feel less of a need for control.
Use affirmations such as:
I do not have control in this situation and I do not need control in this situation.
I trust that everything will happen as it is supposed to.
I trust that I am doing what I can do in this situation and that is enough.
I release the things I can’t control.
I can’t control this but there is a lot in my life that I can control.
I will focus only on what I can control.
Focusing on what I can control helps me feel (empowered, strong, independent, calm, free, etc.).
Engage in the things that you can control.
Sometimes you may get so lost in trying to control all of the things that are out of your control that you actually start to neglect the things that you can control. Try focusing on what you can control, such as your mindset, self-care activities, hobbies you enjoy, and spending time with people you love.
Feeling out of control is a truly unpleasant experience. Being able to control things in your life can give you a sense of empowerment, freedom, independence, and even confidence. You can find this sense of control by focusing on your internal experiences of mindset, perspective, and emotional regulation. Letting go of control means shifting your focus. Instead of fighting to gain control in uncontrollable situations, you shift your focus to experiences that are within your control, which can increase your confidence and how much joy and pleasure you experience in life.