All or Nothing Thinking: What Is It and 4 Ways to Break Free From It

As mentioned in my last blog post, the next few posts will be dedicated to some of the most common cognitive distortions - what they are and how to break free of them.

Well, I didn’t go to the gym yesterday, so I might as well wait to start again until next week.

I had that piece of candy earlier, now my diet has been ruined!

If I lose my job, my partner will leave me and I’ll have nothing left.

She didn’t answer my text for 2 hours. I’m a terrible friend, no one actually likes me.

The weather sucks today, the whole day is going to suck now.

Sound familiar at all? Maybe you or someone you know tends to think this way. When you read the thoughts above, what kind of emotions did they bring up for you? Or how do you think they would affect someone who is thinking this way?

All or nothing thinking is thinking in absolutes or extremes and can also be called black and white thinking. This can apply to thoughts about yourself or about your life experiences.

All or nothing thinking tends to be inflexible and clouds your ability to see alternative possibilities in a given situation. It often leaves no room for grey areas or, in some instances, no room for mistakes. There’s no wiggle room for waking up late, getting a grade that you perceive as bad, or having an “off” day in any way, shape, or form. All or nothing thinking is judgmental, critical, and sees everything as either all good or all bad.

For this reason, this type of thinking may be strongly associated with anxiety and perfectionism for some people. The expectations you have set for yourself are unrealistically high and there’s no way you’ll meet this perfection - we’re not robots, after all. If I mess up, I’m not perfect so why bother continuing?

This thinking, along with the other types of cognitive distortions, has a negative impact on us. It can lead to low self-worth, persistent perfectionism, panic attacks, and increased levels of stress, anxiety, and depressed mood.

4 Ways to Help Break Free From All or Nothing Thinking

Stay Away from Words Like ‘Always’ and ‘Never’

Try to catch yourself using words like always, never, every, nothing, etc. These words imply absolutes and extremes.

I’m always making mistakes. I’ll never get better at this. Nothing I do turns out right. Everybody hates me.

Paying attention to the thoughts you’re having and rewording such thoughts will be a helpful way to reduce all or nothing thinking.

One way to reword these thoughts is to use the ‘and / but’ technique that is further explained below.

I made a mistake and I can do better next time.

I’ve been having a hard time getting this done and I can keep trying.

The meal I cooked for dinner didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to and that’s okay. I am not good at cooking but I have other strengths.

Understand the Your Self-Worth 🚫 Your Performance

Your self-worth does not equal or depend upon your performance. You are worthy just for being you, with all your strengths and flaws.

Reframing thoughts that compare or connect your worth with your performance will help reduce all or nothing thinking because instead of thinking you are a failure because your recent relationship ended in a breakup, you will be able to separate the two. You will be able to see that the relationship likely ended for a number of different reasons, and your worth is not one of them.

Both your beliefs about yourself and your performance will vary. We all have “good” and “bad” days when it comes to how we feel towards ourselves and how we perform any particular task. If we are constantly linking the two together, there is a good chance that we will have a life experience that is significantly more negative than positive. If you’re having a good self-worth day but a perceived poor performance, all or nothing thinking will only focus on the poor performance, and vice versa.

For example:

All or nothing thinking: Let’s say you are having a pretty good day. You’re feeling good about yourself, maybe even confident. Then you make a mistake at work. With all or nothing thinking, that’s a disaster, no matter how big or small that mistake may be. Suddenly, your pretty good day has turned into a miserable experience. That mistake has led your thoughts to “I can’t believe I did that. I’m so stupid! I’m a failure and going to get fired.” This causes you to feel anxious and low for the rest of the day.

Productive, helpful thinking: Using the same scenario above - now you’ve made that mistake, but your response is different. You recognize that you’ve made the mistake and you think “Darn it, I really wish I hadn’t done that. I know that I’m a hard worker and I did a good job on the rest of my work today. I will do my best to fix this mistake as soon as I can.” This causes you to move forward and continue the rest of your pretty good day.

Use ‘And’ or ‘But’ Instead of ‘Or’

This technique can be an easy (relatively speaking) shift to move away from all or nothing thinking. Instead of thinking that you can be successful or unsuccessful, a good friend or bad friend, or likeable or unlikable, you can shift into believing more than one possibility can be true. This opens up the possibilities for “off” days, mistakes, and grey area.

Many things in life exist on a spectrum - our moods, performance, sexuality, and so much more. All or nothing thinking tells us that this is not the case. It tells us that everything must fall into one category or the other. Using ‘and” will help open up your mind to greater flexibility and a growth mindset.

I feel happy and sad that I will be graduating next week.

Some bad things happened this week and there were some good moments.

I got 5 wrong on my test and I did the best that I could.

I am still feeling depressed and I am working on managing my emotions in healthy ways.

‘And’ leaves so much more room for grace and compassion, which we all deserve to give to ourselves as often as we can. This also increases the likelihood that you’ll be able to see alternative possibilities (which all or nothing thinking does not all for) and reduces the likelihood that these thoughts will negatively impact mood.

Sometimes ‘and’ might feel very challenging. That’s where using ‘but’ comes in. ‘But’ can be a helpful alternative when you’re having difficulty using ‘and.’

That woman at the store was so rude but I am not going to let that ruin the rest of my day.

He didn’t answer my text but he might be busy or sleeping.

Use Self-Compassion

For anyone who has worked with me, read my blog, or follows me on social media, you know how much I love self-compassion. I absolutely love it. It has changed my life, and it has been so helpful for so many others.

Practicing self-compassion will help reduce all or nothing thinking because all or nothing tends to be negative. It tends to be very self-critical and critical of pretty much everything that isn’t perceived as going well or perfect. Self-compassion is a way of being your own best friend, of relating to yourself without judgment.

If you practice self-compassion, it will also become much easier to use the techniques above and think of ways to challenge the absolutes and extremes of all or nothing thinking. Self-compassion can be practiced in many different ways. You can find self-compassion books, workbooks, workshops, YouTube videos, meditations, and other exercises. Amazon and self-compassion.org are good resources to explore.

All or nothing thinking can be very harsh with it’s absolutes. It leaves no room for you to be human or to freely live the human experience. But there’s nothing wrong with you, this type of thinking is common and you’re not alone in your experience. Thankfully, there are ways to work towards reducing this type of thinking, like with the techniques shared in this blog, which will also be helpful in improving your mood, self-worth, anxiety, and stress levels.