Using Self-Compassion to Quiet Your Inner Critic
In my last post, I talked about self-criticism. We all experience it to different degrees, and this post will explore a few ways to quiet that critical inner voice through the practice of self-compassion.
Self-Compassion
Anyone who knows me personally or professionally knows that I am a HUGE fan of self-compassion. It has changed my life, and I love spreading the word about it to others because I believe everyone can benefit from showing themselves a greater amount of compassion. The great thing about self-compassion is that it is helpful for everyone and it is never too late to begin learning how to build and use these skills.
What is it?
Self-compassion is a way of relating to and treating yourself with kindness and no judgment. According to Kristin Neff, who is a pioneering researcher in self-compassion, it is especially important in times of perceived failure, inadequacy, or suffering.
Kristin Neff states that there are three main components of self-compassion:
Mindfulness: allowing you to be with painful feelings as they are without judgment
Common humanity: understanding that suffering is part of the human condition and you are not alone in your struggles and challenges
Self-kindness: treating yourself with kindness and care
Practicing self-compassion might look like:
Journaling about self-compassion. You can find some self-compassion / self-love focused journal prompts online or even create your own. There are also various self-compassion and self-love journals and workbooks available on sites like Amazon.
Self-compassion meditations and books (see below for resources).
Self-compassion videos on YouTube. This is a great option if you are a visual or auditory learner.
Practice self-forgiveness. If you make a perceived mistake or failure, be mindful of how you speak to yourself afterwards. Are you shaming yourself or forgiving yourself? If shaming yourself, practice rewriting that narrative with more kind, forgiving, and non-judgmental self-talk.
Create self-compassionate affirmations and mantras. Write these on post-it notes and hang them in places where you will see them often, such as your bathroom mirror. You might also want to keep these listed in your phone or a small notebook / journal that you carry with you, so that they are easily accessible to you wherever you go.
Think about how you would treat a good friend, a child, or a pet in a given situation. Sometimes when we struggle with a harsh inner voice, we find that we are much kinder and forgiving towards others than we are to ourselves. Try talking to yourself the same way you would to someone else. It can be helpful to do this out loud to really hear the words or to write them down to help process the words in a different way.
Being compassionate towards yourself can be really hard and uncomfortable. If you are finding this practice difficult, try separating yourself a bit by talking to yourself in the 3rd person at first and working your way towards 1st person talk. “You made a mistake, Jordan. That doesn’t mean you are a bad person.” vs “I made a mistake. That doesn’t mean that I’m a bad person.”
Remind yourself that failing, making mistakes, going through hard times, and suffering are part of being human. Each and every one of us suffers in some way, at some time. This is especially helpful when feeling like you are alone or when you may find yourself comparing your life to that of others. We may not see the suffering that others go through (especially when using social media) and it may look different, but we all suffer in our own ways.
Tips for practice:
One thing I like to suggest with practicing self-compassion is to start small. As I mentioned, being kind to yourself can feel very uncomfortable for some people. If you try to do too much right away, it might feel overwhelming and turn you off from continuing the practice. If you are brand new to self-compassion, start with just one of the practices that are listed below and add more as you begin to feel more comfortable.
I also like to suggest being more intentional about this practice when you are just beginning. Intentional practice meaning to schedule time for any of the above practices, such as writing in your self-compassion journal every Sunday before you go to sleep. This will help you get into a regular practice and also helps the skills begin to sink in so that, eventually, they will feel like second nature.
Depending on where you are on your journey, you can choose how frequently these practices take place. For some people, it might start with one meditation per week. For others who already practice meditation regularly, they might choose to do one self-compassion meditation every other day. Be mindful of your starting point. This will help you set a goal for these practices that will be more doable.
As you continue these practices, you may notice that your inner voice (your self-talk) is becoming more compassionate, forgiving, and non-judgmental towards yourself - and, as an added bonus, practicing self-compassion can also help you be more compassionate with others, too!
Just like building any other set of skills, it’s important to continuing practicing even when you feel well-versed in it. Although you may not need to be as intentional about the practice after some time, it will be helpful to continue practicing to maintain and continue building your self-compassion skill set.
Resources
Free Self-Compassion Practices & Exercises
Feel free to join my email list at the bottom of this page for updates on a self-compassion workshop (coming Fall 2021!)
Books by Kristin Neff
Books by Other Great Authors and Researchers
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion
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