Mother’s Day Can Be Difficult
Mother’s Day 2024 is just around the corner.
For some people, that’s great and exciting; while for others, it can come with a host of complicated and difficult emotions.
Mother’s Day can be difficult for a number of reasons, including:
Your mother has passed away
Your child has passed away
You do not have a healthy relationship with your mother
You are having difficulty becoming a mother (e.g. fertility struggles, adoption delays, etc.)
Whatever the reason, Mother’s Day can come with a lot of difficult emotions, like grief, sadness, anger, anxiety, resentment, and more.
Because coping will look different for each of the various challenging situations mentioned above, this blog will focus on the third point - not having a healthy relationship with your mother.
This blog will likely be most helpful for anyone who does not have a healthy, strong, or close relationship with their mother and has chosen to continue a relationship with her (versus choosing to go no contact with their mother).
If you have experienced neglect or abuse in the relationship with your mom, I highly recommend speaking with a licensed mental health professional who can work with you one on one to help you process and heal.
In the following sections, you’ll find three common Mother’s Day situations that can bring up difficult thoughts and emotions and suggestions for how to cope with them.
Mother’s Day Cards
Oh, the cards. Greeting card companies write some wonderfully sentimental words, and when it comes to Mother’s Day, those can be hard to connect with when you don’t have a close or healthy relationship with your mom.
When you’re not close with her, to give your mom a card with such sentiment will likely feel disingenuous, which is a highly uncomfortable feeling.
To cope with this, you could:
Opt out of buying a card for her
Find a generic ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ card
Create your own card
There is no right answer. The way you choose to cope with this, and with the two following Mother’s Day situations, will depend on your unique relationship with your mom.
Mother’s Day Celebrations
If your mom wants or expects to get together for Mother’s Day, this can be a challenge. There are a few ways you can cope as a child who doesn’t have a close or healthy relationship with their mom.
Set Boundaries
You might find if helpful to set boundaries about the amount of time you can commit to a Mother’s Day get-together. Time boundaries might sound like:
“I can stay for two hours.”
“I will have to leave by 5 pm.”
If you have not set boundaries like this before, or even if you have, your mom might not respond well to your boundaries.
This can look like guilt-tripping you into staying longer or having an angry reaction.
When it’s already difficult to set boundaries, this can be disheartening, but it is good to be aware of so that you can prepare for it.
An important boundary setting skill is the ability to uphold your boundaries through a negative response from someone else.
Remember that setting boundaries are first and foremost for you, and they are also for your relationships.
For example, staying at the get-together longer will have an adverse affect on you. You might start to feel more angry, frustrated, and resentful the longer you stay, which will have a negative impact on you and your relationship with your mom. When you set a specific amount of time, you set yourself up for more success to have less impact on you and the relationship.
You may need to do some self-reflection to gain more awareness about your needs in order to set the boundaries that will be most effective and helpful for you.
Use Your Coping Skills
Along with boundary setting and self-reflection, consider being mindful about use of your coping skills to help you process thoughts and emotions.
Use any skills you already have and if needed, increase use of your current skills and learn new ones to incorporate.
Below, you’ll find some ideas in the ‘Process Your Emotions in Healthy Ways’ section.
Mother’s Day Social Media Posts
It can be very hard to go on social media and see long posts about how great other people’s moms are, along with happy, cheery pictures with their moms.
Remember social media is a highlight reel. People only share what they want you to see, and that’s usually only the good stuff.
They’re not showing you the bickering argument that they got into with their mom that day over how to make the green bean casserole.
If you find that the social media posts are upsetting you on Mother’s Day, try setting boundaries for yourself. You might:
Set a short time limit for how long you can scroll on social media for Mother’s Day and the day or two before and after Mother’s Day
Stay off social media completely for those days
Talk to someone you trust about the thoughts and emotions that are coming up for you as you see posts and pictures on social media
Process Your Emotions in Healthy Ways
In the weeks leading up to Mother’s Day, as others begin to talk about it or you see cards in the stores and other advertisements, you might start to notice difficult thoughts and emotions rising.
You might start to feel anxious or dread about having a get-together, and you might be more irritable or sad. Your emotions might show up in behavioral or physical ways, like you might feel more tired than usual, your eating habits might change, or you might have headaches or feel a tightness in your chest.
It’s important that you find healthy ways to process the grief, sadness, and anger, along with any other emotions you might be feeling around Mother’s Day and the relationship with your mom. Or maybe more accurately, the lack of relationship or lack of a healthy relationship with her.
There are many ways you can do this, including:
Working with a mental health professional
Journaling and other creative outlets like painting or drawing your emotions
Relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation
Physical movement like yoga, walking, or any movement that you enjoy and feels good (physical movement is great for grief and anger)
You might even try a rage room like Bust-N-Stuff in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
Find a Support Group
It can feel isolating to have a difficult relationship with a parent, especially if no one else in your circle seems to share a similar experience.
If you feel alone in this, try looking for a local or online support group where you can find others to connect to and feel less alone with.
Improve Self-Worth
One factor that can negatively affect self-worth is having difficult relationships with parents or primary caretakers.
Working on improving your self-worth is one strategy that might help you deal with the impacts of having a difficult relationship with your mom long-term.
It is not a quick or easy fix, but it is something that can help you in many ways throughout your life as you continue to improve it.
Increased self-worth has so many benefits including setting boundaries more easily, believing in yourself and not relying on others’ validation, having more self-confidence, and so much more.
There are lots of ways you can work on improving self-worth, and one of those ways is by working through my book Self-Love Journal for Women, which we can do together in a small support group called Self-Love for Women.
By processing the emotions in healthy ways with techniques like therapy, coping skills, emotional and physical symptom management, and support groups, you will be less likely to experience lasting effects of the symptoms and you will feel better overall emotionally and possibly physically, as well.
You may even notice changes in your relationship with your mom. The changes will only go so far if your mom is not making her own changes, as well, but like the example provided in the setting boundaries section above, you may notice some improvements because you are better able to cope and set necessary boundaries.
Final Notes
Having a difficult relationship with a parent is challenging in so many ways, and Mother’s Day and other holidays are just one of those many ways that make it a challenge.
The Mother’s Day cards, celebrations, and social media posts are some of the challenging situations you might face on and around Mother’s Day as someone with a difficult relationship with your mom.
With setting boundaries, gaining awareness about what you need, and using other healthy emotional processing and coping skills, you can find ways to cope with the difficult thoughts and emotions related to your relationship with your mom.
You might even feel more at peace with the relationship you have with your mom, even when that relationship is, and has been, really challenging.
Remember that you’re not alone in having a difficult relationship with a parent and there are ways to cope with the challenges that come with it.
Learn How To Love Yourself to Help Heal From Difficult Parent Relationships: Self-Love for Women group
If you're ready to explore the power of self-love, my virtual Self-Love for Women group is here to support you. Your self-love story is waiting to unfold, and I’m here to champion your growth every step of the way! Reach out today to join the Summer 2024 session, available for women in Wisconsin, Florida, Utah, and Vermont.
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