Family and Shame: Holiday Edition
Aside from being called “the most wonderful time of the year,” the holidays are often seen as a time for family.
When you have a loving family and good relationships with your family, then that might fit for you. You might look forward to the holidays to enjoy quality time with family members. Maybe even with some family members who you don’t get to see often.
But when you don’t have a loving family, when there’s tension or unhealthy dynamics, and you don’t have good relationships with them, then this can be a different story for you. Sometimes a very different story.
When you experience a different story, this can be a challenging time of year.
At our cores, I think we all desire close family relationships, but we do not all have that. To obtain close family relationships, it might take a lot of work. It might include personal growth work, family therapy, breaking unhealthy generational patterns, and other changes.
In certain circumstances, it may not be possible to obtain close relationships with your assigned family (biological, adoptive, foster, etc.). This is a sad and difficult situation to deal with and accept.
The holidays can bring up a lot of thoughts and feelings about your family circumstances. You might feel angry, sad, disappointed, etc. about your family relationships and holiday celebrations.
Feelings of grief are common when it comes to family and the holidays, and not only when a family member passes away. You may also feel grief because your family relationships aren’t what you want them to be or your family holiday celebrations aren’t what you want them to be.
It can feel shameful and isolating to have family problems or to not be close with your family. I’m here to assure you that you’re not alone.
According to the definition in the Oxford Dictionaries, shame is “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.”
In my work with clients, I have noticed a pattern of people feeling shame around their families. I believe this can be because society conditions us to think that having a “white picket fence” family that is always happy and getting along is the norm. Based on my personal and professional experiences, I don’t believe a family without problems is the norm., but this idea that it is the “norm” can make people feel like their families are “wrong.”
Thankfully, I think this is changing. This change is coming about from changes in media and also from people starting to become more open about the challenges faced in their families. It seems like more movies and TV shows - even Disney movies - are addressing realistic family dynamics and problems.
Without talking about it the challenges in your family and your thoughts and feelings about them, you are more likely to feel ashamed and alone in those struggles. Ann Voskamp said “Shame dies when stories are told in safe places.” As a therapist, I love this quote. It explains one of the (many) benefits of therapy so well. Shame dies when stories are told in the therapy room, and this applies to stories told about the good, bad, and ugly parts of your family.
What Can You Do About It?
After reading this far, you may be wondering what you can do about this. As mentioned above, talking about your challenges can be helpful. Some of these suggestions include just that, and there are other suggestions that I hope you find helpful, as well.
You can process your thoughts and feelings around this. You can do this through writing in a journal or talking to a mental health professional or other trusted person in your life. If you’re feeling stuck with writing, try buying a journal that has pre-set journal prompts or searching Google for journal prompts related to the situation.
You can talk to a trusted family member about your thoughts and concerns. Make sure you feel physically and emotionally safe with the person who you choose to talk to about this.
You can create a plan with the trusted family member(s) to improve things within the family. This could look like having a discussion around what boundaries each of you need.
You can set your own boundaries. If your family is not able or willing to have a conversation about boundaries, you may need to set your own boundaries without talking with them about it. You’ll also need to be prepared for negative responses from those who you are setting boundaries with. When you communicate your boundaries effectively and respectfully, negative responses to your boundaries does not mean that you are doing anything wrong. It often says more about the person who is unable or unwilling to respect your boundaries.
Practice self-compassion. Aside from being one of the more helpful skills you can obtain for a wide variety of reasons (I may be a little biased because I am so passionate about self-compassion), it is helpful in healing feelings of shame. One aspect of self-compassion is common humanity, which means remembering that we are not alone in our struggles, and this can help you feel less alone with your family challenges.
With common humanity in mind, many people have family problems to varying degrees. Some families have circumstantial problems, such as:
An argument that gets resolved in a healthy way
Stressors like moving or job changes
A divorce that is handled well
Other families have chronic problems, such as:
Recurring arguments, not getting along
Lack of honest communication or healthy conflict resolution
Lack of setting boundaries or respecting others’ boundaries
Unaddressed generational traumas
Whether your family has circumstantial or chronic problems, your feelings are valid around wanting better for and from your family.
Like the graphic below suggests, it’s important to manage your expectations around family gatherings. If your prior experiences with family holiday gatherings have included tension and arguing, try not to expect that to be different this year. If it ends up being different, that’s great! But unless a family member (or two or three or twelve) have made changes, it is unlikely that the holiday gathering will be a much different experience than it has been in the past.
This is one reason why setting your own boundaries is important. You can decide when, where, for how long, and with who you spend time with for the holidays, and it is completely okay if it is not your family who you are choosing to spend that time with.
Yes, just about every holiday movie ever is about spending time with family or a significant other. This doesn’t have to be your holiday. Spend the holidays with whoever, wherever, and however brings you joy - and that can be your whole family, part of your family, significant others, friends, pets, volunteering somewhere, creating new holiday traditions, or with yourself.
