Will Grief Ever Go Away?
For anyone who has ever experienced grief, you’ve probably asked yourself (or someone else) this very question.
Will grief ever go away?
Will this pain, sadness, anger, emptiness ever go away?
In this blog, I’m going to provide you with my best answer based on my personal experience, professional work, and readings/research.
Although grief can happen as a result of many different experiences - from divorce to losing a job to moving - for the purposes of this post, I will be discussing grief related to the death of a loved one.
My Answer
Let’s get the tough part out of the way first.
My best answer to the question “Will grief ever go away?” is: no.
I know that’s probably not the answer you were hoping for, but it’s the truth and it’s important to be honest here to set you up for the most success possible in your grief journey.
I say no because I truly believe that you grow around your grief, not that your grief shrinks (see the jar image in this post for reference).
As time passes, your love for the person who passed doesn’t lessen, so why would your grief?
Instead, you find more ways to grieve and heal as time goes on.
My Personal Experience
The death of my maternal grandpa was the most significant loss that I’ve experienced, and on May 14th of this year, it marked one year since he passed away.
About one month before that date, I started to feel anxious, especially at night. I felt a tightness in my chest and I had thoughts that were, in my opinion, clearly anxiety-based.
Now, because of the timing, I do believe that this anxiety was initially related to the Let Down Effect, which I wrote about in a previous blog.
But after a few weeks, I think the root of that anxiety changed to the impending first anniversary of grandpa’s death.
This change can with a shift from anxious thoughts to existential worries about the my purpose in life and the purpose of life, in general.
I even started to question whether I should have kids to give myself a purpose. In my right mind, I do not believe that is a reason to have children, and I know that I do not want children and that I have plenty of purpose outside of parenthood.
In my experience and education, I’ve found that existential thoughts and feelings are not uncommon with grief.
So, as May 14th came and went, those emotions went from anxiety to sadness, and then it was even more clear that what I was experiencing now was grief. Talking to my therapist about all of this helped me realize just how much this experience was related to grief, as well.
I share this to hopefully help you feel less alone in your experience of grief, in its ups and downs, as it comes and goes in waves at unexpected times.
I share this as a reminder that:
There are a wide range of emotions that can be related to grief, including sadness, anger, anxiety, and loss of direction
You may have thoughts and emotions that you never experienced prior to your grief
Talking about your grief with a trusted person really does help
Our bodies hold onto memories, even when we don’t or, maybe even, try not to remember
Although sometimes it’s clear when you’re feeling grief, like when you cry looking at pictures of your loved one, there are other times when it’s not as clear.
If you’re having trouble understanding your emotions, a trained mental health professional can be really helpful. You might also try reading about grief or trying a grief support group (resources below).
What The Research Shows
There is conflicting research out there, which can be frustrating but also makes sense because everyone’s experience with grief is so unique.
Some research has shown that symptoms tend to resolve in about 1-2 years*.
In a few grief groups on Facebook and in other articles (resources shared below), people often share that the second year of grief is harder than the first.
Other research has shown that it takes around 2-6 years for grief symptoms to resolve.
I believe existing mental health conditions, like anxiety and mood disorders, can complicate the grieving process, as well.
Although this doesn’t provide a solid answer, it does serve as a reminder that the grieving process is unique and that you can’t grieve “wrong” (aside from maybe avenging someone’s death - but that’s a topic for a completely different discussion).
So, if you are more than 6 years removed from your loss and continuing to experience symptoms, this doesn’t mean that you “shouldn’t” be grieving anymore.
Don’t put pressure on yourself, or let anyone else put pressure on you, to grieve in a certain amount of time or in a certain way.
But if you are concerned about your experience or are really struggling with coping with it at any point, please seek professional help to support you through it.
If you’re grieving, I want to assure you that you’re not alone.
Grief is a suck-y, universal experience.
Although it will look different and will be a unique experience for everyone, each and every one of us will experience grief at some point(s) in our lives.
This can be a hard truth, but it can also be comforting to remember that you are not alone and can find trusted people to lean on for support.
Resources
*https://psychcentral.com/lib/grief-healing-and-the-one-to-two-year-myth#greif-timeline
Support Groups
Grief: Releasing Pain, Remembering Love, & Finding Meaning
Books
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