What Grief Looks Like and How to Cope
Grief is a complicated, emotional process, and anyone who has experienced grief knows: GRIEF SUCKS.
I would say that everyone has experienced grief in some form. Grief isn’t only about loss through death. You can experience grief about many different losses or changes. You might grieve:
Death of a loved one or a pet
Relationship loss or changes
Missed opportunity
What you thought your life would be like
An unexpected diagnosis
Loss of mobility or function in some way
Loss of income and or job
Loss of community
Climate change
Although it may feel or seem strange, it is not uncommon to also grieve a positive change in your life. These changes can also come with loss, such as:
Graduations
Choosing to leave a job
Moving to a new, exciting place
There are many different situations that might cause feelings of grief, so we have all likely experienced grief at some point in our lives. Due to not recognizing the impact of many events outside of death as grief, I believe it’s possible that a lot of our suffering is related to unknown or unprocessed grief. Grieving the death of a loved one (pets included!) is the first way many of us learn about grief and for good reason. Losing a loved one is an extremely painful experience.
I wanted to write about this topic now because I recently experienced a number of losses. In this blog, I’ll share about my experiences and what I’ve learned from them so far, including ways of coping with grief.
My Losses This Year
My grandpa passed away in May. Although he was 88 years old and had his fair share of medical conditions over the past 6 years, his death still came in an expected way.
He was the best grandpa that I could have asked for. Our birthdays were two days apart, so we celebrated every birthday together. My birthday just passed, which means this was the first year that I did not celebrate my birthday with him since I was born. We celebrated every other holiday together, as well. We went to the zoo countless times together over the years. He came to all of my events - sports games, graduations, and I’m very thankful that he was able to attend my wedding.
I will miss all of that, but talking to him is the thing I miss the most. I went grocery shopping for him and my grandma weekly and often took him to his appointments on Fridays, and that gave us the opportunity to chat. Each week, he would ask how I was, how my husband was, how my business was, how my car was, and how my cat was (not always in that order). He would also share various things with me, like the exercises that the physical therapist assigned to him, what project he was working on that week, something he learned from the Science Channel, or the latest antics from a certain former president. He was one of my biggest supporters, and I really miss talking with him.
The next loss came earlier this month. My grandma on the other side of my family passed away. Although I was not as close with her, I still feel her loss and feel it through my other family members who were close with her. I will miss her honesty and her mac and cheese (it was the absolute best mac and cheese you will ever taste!).
Finally, two weeks ago we had to put down one of my childhood cats. Simba was a large, Tabby cat with a gentle soul. He lived a long cat life, and we were lucky to have him for 18 years.
Experiencing so much death in such a short period of time has been a painful and interesting experience. I have learned a lot about myself, others, and the grieving process. Here I’ll share what I’ve learned about grief. This is what I have learned from my personal experience and from my clients and various trainings. Your experience with grief may be different, as the grieving process is a very unique one.
What I’ve Learned So Far
Grief really does come in waves.
I’ve heard this many times, and it has always made sense but now it really makes sense. Some days, I experience joy while thinking about my grandpa and other days, immense sadness. Grief can be unpredictable and you just have to ride those waves as they come.
Just be there.
People often express that they don’t know what to say when someone is grieving. If you’ve experienced that, I’m here to tell you that that is okay. You don’t need to know what to say. Most often, there isn’t really anything to say that will help minimize someone’s grief, and the important thing to remember is that their grief doesn’t need to be minimized or fixed in any way. The grieving person needs to feel all of the different emotions that are coming with their grief. You can just be there with them. Just offering a supportive, compassionate presence can be more than enough.
It’s okay, and important, to know your own boundaries, too. If you’re not in a place where you can offer that support, let the grieving person know. Let them know that you will offer that support at a later time when you are able to do so.
You have to go through it.
There’s no way to go around grief. You can’t ignore it. It is going to show up whether you acknowledge it or not. You have to feel all of the emotions that come with your grief. You might feel really uncertain at times. You might question whether you’re grieving the “right” way, but there is no right way. Your only responsibility is to allow your emotions to be felt, and try your best not to judge whatever it is that you’re feeling.
On a related note, I believe that grief does not go away or get smaller over time. I do believe that by allowing yourself to feel your emotions, you are able to grow around your grief (see photo below).
Self-care and self-compassion are key.
Self-care is going to look different every day. This is true whether you’re grieving or not, but especially when you are grieving, you might have days when all you do is wake up. You might have days when you want to shame yourself for not taking care of yourself better. Shaming yourself is counterproductive to your healing. During the grieving process, you need to be exceptionally kind to yourself. Think about how you would treat someone else who is grieving. Give yourself that same kindness and compassion.
Self-care while grieving might look like:
Making sure you are eating something every day
Drinking water
Getting out of bed
Changing out of pajamas
Taking a shower
Going outside
Taking a walk
Yoga
Practicing mindfulness
Writing in a journal
Spending time with a loved one
Healthy distraction
Some days you might be able to many of these self-care practices; while other days, you may struggle to do one. That’s okay. Do what you can.
Get some sleep!
Although sleep is definitely a part of typical self-care, I felt that it deserved its own category in this post. If you have a day where you can’t do anything else, try to get enough sleep. The typical suggestion is 7-8 hours of sleep each night for adults, but for my experience, the need for sleep has been higher while grieving. Grief is a full body experience. You can feel it mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc. That is exhausting! Try to give yourself all the rest that you need. If you’re having trouble sleeping, you might find it helpful to implement healthy sleep hygiene practices.
Get support.
Utilize the supports you already have. That might be a partner, other family or friends, therapy, a community like church, etc. My husband has been an incredible support since my grandpa passed. He doesn’t need to say much, but rather sit with me, hold my hand, and be a loving presence.
Beyond that, when you’re ready, seek out new supports. Search for grief support groups in your area and therapists who specialize in grief. As mentioned above, sometimes the best support while grieving is someone to be a compassionate presence for you, and that is exactly what we’re trained to do as therapists.
If you already have an ongoing relationship with a therapist, they do not necessarily need to specialize in grief. If you have a good relationship with them and feel like they are doing a good job of supporting you through your grieving process, that’s fantastic. If you do not already have a therapist and your main purpose of seeking therapy is for grief, it may be most helpful to search for a therapist who specializes in grief support. You may also be able to continue therapy with your current therapist and seek specialized support for grief.
Grief sucks, and unfortunately, because there are so many different ways to experience grief, it is an inevitable part of life. We all go through the grieving process at some point, and in some ways, maybe knowing that can help us get through it. We can more have empathy for one another knowing that we all have or will go through a loss and a similar process of grief. I don’t believe grief every goes away. While you are grieving, remember to take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and utilize your support system and or create a new one.
