Signs of a Toxic Friendship
Friendship can bring us so much joy and so much pain. When we have healthy, loving, and trusting friendships, they can be some of the best relationships we’ll have in our lives, our “chosen family.” When we have unhealthy, unbalanced, and untrusting friendships, they can bring pain and heartbreak, sometimes just as much or more than break-ups with romantic partners.
Generally, we start learning how to make friends at a very early age. We are taught to share, play, and be nice to others. We aren’t always taught about what to look out for in friendships. Do you know what the “red flags” are in a friendship? Would you recognize them? If you did recognize them, would you know what to do next?
If you answered “no” to any of those questions, you are not alone. It can be hard to recognize red flags in relationships, especially when there are other positive aspects of the relationship, too.
In this blog post, you’ll read about some of the red flags, or warning signs, to look out for in friendships and what to do when you recognize them.
Some of the common warning signs of a toxic friendship include:
1. The relationship is unbalanced. You are always, or almost always, giving your time, energy, or money to the friendship and the same is not returned. Relationships don't need to be, and won't be, 50/50 all of the time, but it's important to have some give and take on both sides of the relationship.
For example, your friend may be going through a difficult time, such as they just had a baby or started a new job, and they don’t have as much time or energy to put into the friendship temporarily. The key word is temporarily. If the relationship feels unbalanced more often than not, that can be a red flag.
2. Jealousy and guilt trips. Similar to the first sign, this looks like a friend who seems to demand all of your time, attention, and energy. They might show signs of jealousy if you spend time with other friends and try to make you feel guilty for not spending time with them. They may even use other methods of manipulation to try to spend more time with you, such as pretending they have an issue that they need help with.
3. You don't feel safe around them. This could be the case for a number of different reasons. They may be pressuring you to join them in activities you don't feel comfortable with, like substance use or other risky behaviors. They may tease or insult you regularly or they may dismiss your thoughts, emotions, or opinions. There may have been situations that broke your trust, such as a friend sharing confidential information about you with others.
Safety is an extremely important and necessary aspect of any relationship. If safety is not present, it is not a healthy relationship.
4. They don't respect your boundaries. If you have already tried to express your needs and set boundaries in this friendship and the other person has not listened to or respected them, this can be a sign of a toxic friendship. Boundaries are another essential aspect of healthy relationships. When someone doesn't respect your boundaries, that can lead to you feeling frustrated, angry, and resentful. If someone is unable or unwilling to respect your boundaries, it may mean that they are not a healthy friend for you.
5. They are abusive in any way. This can be related to feeling safe and having boundaries respected, but it is so important that it deserves to be acknowledged separately. Abuse includes verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual.
What To Do Next
If you have a friendship with any of these signs, first try having a conversation with your friend about it. They may not realize what is happening and may be willing to make changes in the relationship. It may be helpful to practice some mindfulness or compassion for others before having this conversation, so you feel like you are not coming from a place of anger or resentment but rather a place of more calm and centeredness. If the conversation is not received well or no changes are made, that may give you more information about what you need to do moving forward, such as implementing new boundaries with this friend. New boundaries may look like limiting how much time you spend with them, how much and what information you share with them, and possibly ending the friendship altogether.
The exception to this suggestion is if the relationship is abusive in any form. If there is abuse happening, a conversation with your friend may lead to more abuse. In this scenario, seek support from a mental health professional who can help guide you through your specific situation and provide you with support and resources. If you’re not sure if a friend is being abusive, a mental health professional can also help you determine this and take the appropriate steps.