How Do Emotionally Immature Parents Affect You?
You’ve probably heard of coping skills. Maybe you’ve heard that there are healthy and unhealthy coping skills or you’ve read suggestions for how to cope with stress, anxiety, etc.
But have you ever wondering where coping skills come from?
Have you ever noticed that you or someone else seem to have a more difficult time coping with life’s challenges than others?
There are likely numerous reasons for why each of us copes in the ways that we do.
For many of us, our early life experiences probably play a large role in that - such as positive and negative experiences or our parents parenting styles.
In this post, we’re going to focus on how emotionally immature parents impact our coping styles. This post will share a description of an emotionally immature parent, the impact on coping styles, and resources for your continued learning about emotionally immature parents.
The Hard Truth
First, I’d like to address the hard truth because I know it can be difficult, scary, and even feel like a betrayal to see your parents in a light that is anything other than positive.
Part of growth often includes looking at our childhood to some degree.
This can be difficult. It can feel wrong to admit that our parents could’ve done better. But it is often the truth and thinking or talking about this can be incredibly healing.
It seems that most often parents are doing the best they can with the skills they have AND they could have done better. Both things can be true.
They may have lacked the skills to be emotionally present with their children AND they could have sought therapy, read self-help books, or found better ways deal with your and their own emotions.
When you feel scared or like you’re betraying them in some way, try to remember that your parents are imperfect humans, just like the rest of us.
They likely became emotionally immature because of their own life experiences that didn’t teach them or allow for them to become emotionally healthy people.
So, even if they gave so much to you, that doesn't mean that they gave you everything you needed.
And it doesn't mean that you can't wish they would've done better in ways that would've been really helpful for you.
It’s okay, and sometimes really helpful or even essential to your own healing, to bring awareness to this.
With that said, let’s take a look at what it means to be an emotionally immature parent.
What is an Emotionally Immature Parent?
Whether you’ve heard this term before or not, you may be left with questions about what it actually means.
An emotionally immature parent is one who lacks emotional awareness and emotional intelligence.
Lindsey Gibson, who is an expert on this topic, explains that there are four different types of emotionally immature parents:
Emotional parents: run by their emotions which leads to unpredicability
Driven parents: overly driven, busy, and focused on perfection
Passive parents: minimize problems and avoid dealing with anything upsetting
Rejecting parents: disengaged and lack closeness and intimacy
Gibson says that all four types have similarities, including self-involvement and being emotionally unreliable.
They are not in touch with their own emotions, which makes it difficult for them to be empathetic and in touch with their child’s emotions.
This might look like being dismissive or belittling towards their child’s emotions. They might blame the child for all “problems” and, on the extreme end, may be abusive.
As you can imagine, this kind of parenting can impact children in many ways, including on their relationships, their self-esteem, and the ways they approach and cope with life.
Lindsey Gibson describes the ways that children of emotionally immature parents are affected differently based on their personalities and how they tend to cope. She refers to two main groups called internalizers and externalizers.
The next sections will dive into these two groups and how emotionally immature parenting impacts each one.
Internalizers and Externalizers
Internalizers
Because of the work I do with therapy and coaching, my clients are most often internalizers. Many of my clients have had emotionally immature parents, and I have seen how this parenting has impacted them still as teens and adults.
Internalizers are people who are highly sensitive and perceptive, feel responsible for changing things, and have a strong desire to engage and connect with others.
With this description of internalizers, you might begin to see how emotionally immature parents can have such a great impact on children who are internalizers.
For internalizers, who are highly sensitive and emotional people, emotionally immature parenting can be especially harmful because:
Emotionally immature (EI) parents aren't comfortable with the child's emotions
EI parents are more likely to dismiss or reject the child's emotions because of their own discomfort
EI parents send the message (either directly or indirectly) that their child's being is wrong - whereas the externalizing child gets the message that their behavior is what is wrong
The internalizing child is aware of the disconnect between them and their EI parent
This impact can lead internalizers to:
Ignore or avoid their own emotions because they have been told or treated as being “too much” or “dramatic”
Become people pleasers* as they believe that making themselves “small” will make their self-involved, EI parents happy
Be very hard on themselves due to getting the message that they are “wrong” for being who they are
Feel profoundly lonely because of the lack of connection they feel with their EI parents
Externalizers
EI parents tend to be externalizers themselves, so they tend to relate more easily to their children who are also externalizers.
Externalizers feel that others are to blame for their problems or responsible for changing things, tend to be reactive and act out when upset or in need of help, and rely on external sources for soothing, often including substance use and other forms of immediate gratification.
Externalizers tend to live in a cloud of denial that allows them to avoid facing reality or admitting that they need help or need to make internal changes.
They may find themselves in a cycle of self-defeat. Because they act out when upset or in need of help, others are more hesitant to provide them with the help they’re seeking.
These behaviors tend to create conflicts and cause hardships for other people.
Because EI parents tend to share these similar qualities, an externalizer child may not realize how their behavior is negatively impacting their lives, so they’ll continue on with the same behaviors that are creating problems for them without taking a closer look or trying to make a change.
Most people will find themselves experiencing qualities of both internalizing and externalizing at times but leaning more heavily towards whichever side more closely aligns with their natural personalities.
The goal for all of us is to find balance between the two - for internalizers to be able to seek help externally and for externalizers to start looking inside themselves for control and to make changes.
Final Notes
Because past generations did not seek mental health care as often (due to lack of resources or cultural limitations), I believe many, many people have or had emotionally immature parents.
Hopefully, with the trend of more access to mental health information and people going to therapy and doing personal growth work more frequently, the occurrence of emotionally immature parents will decrease over time.
Until then, if you believe you may have or had an emotionally immature parent, know someone who does, or work in the mental health and wellness space, I highly recommend learning more about this topic. Below you’ll find resources to continue this learning. I recommend starting with the first book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.
*If you’re interested in people pleasing coaching for help with boundaries, confidence, self-compassion, and self-worth, please email me at contact@jordanbrowncoaching.com.
Emotionally Immature Parent Book Resources from Lindsey Gibson
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Disentangling from Emotionally Immature Parents
Self-Care for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents
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