Why Do I Jump to Conclusions and How Can I Stop?
To continue this blog series on cognitive distortions, aka unhelpful thinking patterns, the following post will focus on one of the two types of jumping to conclusions: mind reading.
Mind reading is when we assume we know what someone else is thinking. It refers to the negative interpretations or assumptions that we make about what others are thinking, and it is commonly associated with anxiety, social anxiety, and people pleasing. It might look like:
Even though she said she’s not mad, I know she hates me now because I showed up late.
Mind reading thoughts assume what someone is thinking even when we have no evidence to prove that it is true and even when we have evidence that it is not true (such as in the example above).
Mind reading can actually be a helpful tool when used in small doses. It helps us understand others nonverbals, reactions, and words.
Maybe we notice that our partner isn’t acting like themselves and can tell when they are having an “off” day before they say that they are.
However, when mind reading is relied on too often, is mostly negative, and we believe them with little to no evidence, it can distort our thinking and cause some trouble. When it becomes distorted thinking, it is often negative and can be very inaccurate. When we make these assumptions and mistakes about what others are thinking about us, that can interfere with our relationships with them and it can affect our mood, anxiety, and self-worth.
Because of the affect on anxiety and self-worth, it can lead to people pleasing tendencies and impact your ability to just be yourself. You may start to alter who you are to please others and avoid assumed judgment or criticism from others.
You stop talking about how much you love tennis because you think your new friends will think it’s lame.
You don’t share details about yourself because you think others will judge you.
You decide to not wear your favorite pants to school because you believe everyone will make fun of you.
Following are some strategies to help think through and manage mind reading thoughts, so that these thoughts will have less impact on your life.
Write It Down
As you’re raising awareness around these types of thoughts and notice when you are having them, you may find it helpful to write them down (or, if possible, say them out loud to yourself or someone you trust). By releasing the thoughts, it may help you recognize that you are jumping to conclusions, that you have little to no evidence that this thought is true.
Self-Reflection
Here are some questions* to ask yourself to help better understand your use of mind reading and work towards only using it in healthy and helpful ways:
When am I trying to manage the thoughts and emotions of others instead of my own?
When am I borrowing people’s definitions of being a good person, or a productive employee, or an interesting friend, because I haven’t created my own definition?
What would it look like for me to engage in knowing my own mind?
How can I interrupt mind reading and direct myself back to my own thoughts and beliefs?
Challenge Mind Reading
One way to challenge mind reading thoughts is to imagine that the thought is true. For example:
You believe that kids at school will make fun of your pants. If they do make fun of your pants, what does that mean about them? What does that mean about you? Do you need everyone to like you or your clothes? Are they really people you want to be close to or liked by if they are going to make fun of you or others?
Another way to challenge mind reading is to do ‘opposite action’ which is a DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) technique. This means to do the opposite of what your thoughts are telling you.
You believe that kids at school will make fun of your pants, so you wear those pants anyways.
This is helpful because, especially with little to no evidence to support your mind reading thoughts, you don’t know that the thought is true. These thoughts lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy by keeping you in a box due to fear of the negative, distorted thoughts being true. Until you give yourself a chance to do things, you will continue to believe the distorted thoughts and potentially miss out on many life experiences, both big and small. By doing the opposite action and taking a step out of your box, you may get a result that surprises you, proves your mind reading thoughts inaccurate, and helps release the depression, anxiety, or low self-worth associated with these thoughts.
Use Affirmations
Affirmations can be helpful in many different situations, and they may be helpful when you are experiencing mind reading thoughts. Below are some examples that may be helpful, and you can also customize them to fit you best:
“It’s not about me.”
“I am assuming, I don’t know that’s what they’re thinking.”
“They’re probably not thinking about me at all.”
“People mostly think about themselves anyways. They’re not thinking about me.”
“She said that she’s not mad, so I will believe her.”
Mind reading is a common cognitive distortion that can have a negative impact on your life and your relationships. By using some of the strategies suggested here, you may be able to break free from the box that mind reading thoughts can keep you in. Along with these, a mental health professional can help you explore and learn more strategies to help. What strategy have you found most helpful in stopping your unhelpful mind reading thoughts?
*https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/everything-isnt-terrible/201912/why-mind-reading-is-making-you-anxious