Apologizing is an important social skill that can help mend ruptures (moments of tension, disconnect, or conflict) in relationships.

And apologizing can be difficult when you grew up with caregivers who didn’t model how or when to apologize or maybe you’ve had some other difficult experiences in life that have resulted in difficulty apologizing.

Or maybe you find yourself on the opposite end of the spectrum by apologizing a lot.

Apologizing for things that do not require an apology like apologizing for your existence, taking up even the smallest amount of space in the room or in the conversation, for breathing too loudly.

On both ends of that spectrum, low self-compassion might be the culprit of having difficulty apologizing to others or over-apologizing.

You might also be here because someone in your life, like a friend, partner, or other family member, struggles with apologizing, and you want to understand them better or find strategies to help them and your relationship with them.

This blog will explore why low self-compassion makes it hard to apologize, signs of low self-compassion, and how self-compassion helps you apologize better.

Why Low Self-Compassion Makes it Hard to Apologize

Apologizing to others can be a challenge for some people, and one reason it might be a challenge is that they struggle with self-compassion.

One reason low self-compassion makes apologizing difficult is because without self-compassion, the idea that you made a mistake is too painful to stand, which can lead to defensiveness and diversion.

Defensiveness can lead to no apology or poor apologies, such as “I didn’t mean to” or “That’s not what I meant.”

These kinds of apologies focus on your intent rather than focusing on how the other person feels, which is a recipe for a poor apology and an apology that will probably not be well received by others.

In order to avoid or distract from the pain of making a mistake, you might use diversion.

Diversion can lead to poor apologies that intend to change the focus to the other person or to another event, such as “I’m sorry but you did the same thing to me.”

Another reason low self-compassion makes it hard to apologize is that it might lead you to, intentionally or unintentionally, use manipulation to make the other person feel bad for you.

Without self-compassion, you might have a strong desire to seek approval or comforting from others because you are not able to provide this for yourself, and this may come up when apologizing.

You might say something like “I’m sorry, I’m such a dumbass” in hopes that they will respond with a caring response towards you, such as “That’s ok, you’re not a dumbass.”

None of these apologies are helpful to building deep connections or mending ruptures in relationships.

Other Signs of Low Self-Compassion

You may be wondering whether you, or someone you know, have self-compassion or not and what other signs there might be that suggest you have low levels of self-compassion. Low self-compassion can look like:

Harsh inner critic & negative self-talk
Intense feelings of self-loathing
Perfectionism, fear of failure, or procrastination
People pleasing tendencies
Difficulty accepting compliments
Lots of comparison to others that results in you feeling bad about yourself (aka negative social comparison)

How Self-Compassion Helps You Apologize Better

Less Defensiveness

Self-compassion helps you respond to uncomfortable and difficult situations with less defensiveness for a number of reasons, including:

Self-Kindness

You’re able to be kind to yourself and give yourself grace.

Self-Forgiveness

You’re able to forgive yourself, or work towards self-forgiveness, when you make mistakes.

Self-Acceptance

You’re able to accept yourself as an imperfect person, and when you combine that with self-kindness, you’re able to separate yourself from the mistake.

You’re able to say to yourself, “I’m imperfection and I’m a good person.”

More Compassion for Others

Becoming a self-compassionate person not only makes you kinder to yourself but it also increases your kindness towards others.

You’re able to hold compassion for yourself while recognizing how the mistake or situation has impacted another person.

This can improve your ability to apologize in healthy and effective ways.

Final Notes

Apologizing is an important social skill for building relationships and mending ruptures in relationships.

Low self-compassion can make it difficult to apologize because the lack of self-kindness can make it too painful to admit to mistakes, which can lead you to apologize with defensiveness, diversion, or manipulation or to not apologize at all.

Increasing your self-compassion helps you apologize better by improving your self-kindness, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance, which all help reduced defensiveness.

Self-compassion also increases your compassion for others, which improves your ability to apologize effectively.

If you struggle with apologizing, consider whether low self-compassion is a factor and work on increasing your self-compassion to become a better apologizer.

Support for New Mental Health Professionals: New Helpers Haven group

Feelings of anxiety and imposter syndrome are not uncommon for new professionals in the mental health field. If this sounds like you, my virtual New Helpers Haven group is here to support you. Reach out today to join the Fall 2024 session, available for mental health interns, training licensees, and newly licensed professionals in Wisconsin, Florida, Utah, and Vermont.

If you’ve checked out my book, I’d love to know which parts of it have been most helpful for you! Feel free to DM me on Instagram or send me an email.

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