When to Speak Up for Myself
Learning to speak up for yourself can feel like a daunting task. It can be especially challenging for people pleasers and women.
Being assertive and speaking up for yourself are skills that I am a huge advocate for and often work with my clients on.
These are also skills that I’ve had to learn for myself, and I’ve made a lot of progress.
Even with the progress I’ve made, there will still be, and are, times that I struggle more with not only how to speak up, but when.
I was reminded of this over the past weekend, and I wanted to share this to remind you that, no matter how much personal growth work we do, we will never be perfect. And that’s okay.
The Situation
Let’s set the scene.
On Saturday night, my mom took my husband and I to see Adam Sandler at the Fiserv in Milwaukee, WI for our five year wedding anniversary.
Adam Sandler was great! He put on a fantastic comedy show, and I’m thankful that we went.
The Issue
The only issue during the show was three women sitting in the row behind us who talked throughout the majority of the show.
They seemed to be intoxicated and were talking, fairly loudly, amongst themselves while Adam Sandler was performing.
They were not talking about the show, and they were talking loudly enough that we were not able to hear some of the jokes.
They left their seats numerous times throughout the show, so it wasn’t constant, but when they were in their seats, the talking was quite disruptive.
The Decision
I was able to get through most of the show without feeling too irritated by the chatter, but it reached a point of significant irritation towards the end. I could tell because I started to physically feel the irritation in my chest.
At this point, I started to think about turning around to ask them to please stop talking.
My hesitation in doing so was due to three factors:
Generally unpredictable responses from others.
They seemed intoxicated.
They seemed to have a lack of consideration and common courtesy for those around them (possibly due to intoxication).
With these factors in mind, I didn’t want the situation to escalate and for a bigger, louder scene to erupt.
It’s unfortunate that we have to consider our safety, both physical and emotional safety, when deciding whether to speak up for ourselves or not, but that is a reality.
So, I decided not to say anything to them.
Thankfully, they left their seats again with about 20 minutes left of the show and they did not return.
What Did I Think About My Decision Afterwards?
One of my favorite sayings is that by not setting your boundaries or speaking up for yourself you disappoint yourself, rather than possibly disappointing someone else.
So I ask myself, was I disappointed in myself by not asking those women to stop talking?
Honestly, I am not.
If I could guarantee that they would have responded in a calm way, then heck yes I would’ve spoken up right away with no question.
But I still believe there is a significant chance that they wouldn’t have responded that way and it would’ve had a worse result.
Although we can’t control how others respond and we’re not responsible for their responses (as long as we approach them in an appropriate way), it was not worth possibly missing more of the show or having to deal with a potentially louder and more disruptive scene.
By not speaking up, we were still able to enjoy most of the show.
While trying to make the decision, I briefly thought, “I’m constantly talking to clients about how and why they should speak up for themselves, but I’m not doing it for myself right now.”
Then I used my self-compassion skills to recognize that it was a challenging situation (mindfulness), I’m not just a therapist but human too (common humanity), and that I made the right decision for myself at that time (self-kindness).
*Learn more about the three main components of self-compassion, mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness, in this blog post.
When Should You Speak Up for Yourself?
I don’t believe there’s one solid answer for this, but the general rule that I follow is cost vs. benefit.
If the cost is bigger than the benefit, then it may not be worth speaking up.
For example, on Saturday night, I saw the potential cost of a big reaction from the, likely intoxicated, women as greater than the benefit of asking them to stop talking because although it was disruptive, I was able to hear and enjoy most of the show.
This may not always apply but I’ve found that it works for many everyday situations.
Final Notes
Personal growth and self-improvement are ongoing processes. As you start or continue to work on speaking up for yourself, you will continue to run into situations that challenge you. Being challenged is okay. It will help you continue to grow.
Consider the cost vs. benefit of speaking up for yourself.
And if you choose to not speak up for yourself and feel hard on yourself about that choice, remember to use self-compassion to acknowledge that it was challenging, you made the best choice for yourself at the time, and, if applicable, make a plan for how you’ll approach it differently in the future.