How to Get Your Needs Met (What That Means & Why It’s Important)
If you have been in therapy, follow social media mental health pages, or read self-improvement books, you might have encountered the idea of getting your “needs met.”
It is an essential part of our well-being but what exactly does it mean?
We are “needy.”
As humans, we are needy. We just are. And I don’t mean that in a negative way. We have many needs to meet each and every day to help us continue to function, survive, and even thrive.
You may be familiar with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. This is a theory that is often depicted as a pyramid with our most basic needs at the bottom, psychological needs in the middle, and self-fulfillment needs at the top.
The idea is that in order to meet the psychological needs, we must have our basic needs met, and to have our self-fulfillment needs met, we must have both the basic and psychological needs met.
In theory, this makes a ton of sense. And in actuality, it often plays out this way in real life as well. It’s more difficult to feel good about yourself (one of our psychological needs), if we don’t have adequate food, shelter, or sleep (basic needs). However, it’s important to recognize that there are a lot of factors that can impact this as well and people will be affected by their needs being met (or not met) differently.
What needs do we have?
Physiological: Food, water, shelter, air, sex, sleep, warmth
Safety and security: shelter, law and order, stability, peace of mind / freedom from fear
Love and belongingness: friendship, intimacy, trust, boundaries, affection, being a part of a group
Esteem: how you feel about yourself, independence, achievement, feeling accepted by others
Cognitive: knowledge, learning, understanding, exploration
Aesthetic: appreciation for beauty, search for balance
Self-actualization: self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth, realizing your potential
Transcendence: being motivated by values beyond yourself, such as faith in higher power, service to others, experiences with nature
Source: https://www.simplypsychology.org/maslow.html#needs7
What happens when our needs are not met?
Stress, burnout, anxiety, depression, and other mental health concerns
We feel unfulfilled in our life, our relationships, our work, etc.
We feel “stuck” or stagnant in our life
We may struggle to get other needs met
We “act out,” such as taking our frustration out on a coworker when we are not feeling appreciated or accepted in the workplace
How to get our needs met more often?
The following ideas typically apply when needs are within our control. As mentioned earlier, there are some factors (such as money and accessibility) that do not always allow us to take things into our own hands. This doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to get those needs met, but there may be a greater need for outside support and resources to help you get there. And there is nothing wrong with that! However, those situations may not be applicable to all of the suggestions in the following section.
Identify what your needs are and which are / are not getting met
Reflect on how those needs can get met
Is it something you can do or change on your own? Do you need help from someone else to get this need met? How can you communicate to get what you need from others?
Don’t deny yourself of your needs
This seems to be one that we often don’t recognize or begin to do unconsciously. Have you made yourself wait to use the bathroom or skip a meal? Have you ever been treated in a way that made you uncomfortable but did not say anything? These are examples of how we get in the way of our own needs getting met.
Communicate your needs with others
Whether that’s with your family, your partner, or someone at work, it’s important to communicate what you need. We often fall into the idea that others, especially others who know us well, should just know what we need. Over time, people who are close to us will probably learn some of our needs, but it is unfair to expect them to know what we need at all times.
Believe me, I’ve been there! For lots of different reasons (you can find some possible reasons here), it can be hard to voice your needs, even to the people closest to you. However, it is a necessary part of you getting your needs met and of having healthy, fulfilled relationships with others.
This may involve learning and practicing assertive communication. It can be helpful to start practicing assertiveness within relationships or situations that already feel safe - where you believe you will be heard and your needs will be respected. As you begin to feel comfortable and confident, you can begin to practice your assertiveness in more challenging situations.
Try sending a written message through text or email. This is not everyone's ideal way of communicating and it doesn't have to be the only way or used long-term, but it can be helpful in breaking the barrier when communicating your needs to someone seems impossible.
The good news is that: through reflection, you can get more in touch with your own needs, and through practice, you can get better at getting those things met to live the more fulfilled life that you deserve.