Part One: Validate Your Damn Self
Self-validation. Self-compassion. Self-love. Self-acceptance. Self-esteem. Self-worth. Self-care.
I’m sure you’ve heard these words a lot. Maybe a lot a lot. But what do they really mean, how can we obtain them, and why is it so hard for so many of us to obtain them? To tackle all of that, I’d be writing for… ever. Instead, I will break it down into a series of posts - “All About Your Damn Self” series.
I’ve noticed that I have been talking about self-validation and -compassion with a lot of my clients lately. I love having these conversations because I believe they are SO important. But it also got me thinking about why this is such a common conversation to have? Why do we know so little about what these “self” terms actually mean? Why aren’t we taught how to obtain them in healthy ways? To start learning more about each one, this first post in series will be about self-validation.
What does it mean?
One definition I found stated that self-validation means to observe and accept your own internal experience (including body sensations, such as stomach butterflies or shoulder tension), your thoughts, and your feelings. Much like practicing mindfulness, the idea is to allow yourself to sit with your thoughts and emotions in an honest and present way.
What it doesn’t mean?
Although you are accepting your experience, thoughts, and feelings, this does not mean that you have to believe that your thoughts are true or that your feelings deserve more power than they should have.
Keys to Successful Self-Validation
Be present and mindful about your current state (internal experience, thoughts, emotions).
Listen to yourself - body and mind.
Be honest about your true state in that moment, even when it may be hard to do so. Validation doesn’t work if you’re not honest with yourself.
Observe and describe your current state with fact only, so that you get an accurate picture of what’s happening with you.
No labeling thoughts or emotions as good or bad. They just are.
Accept your experience, thoughts, and feelings without judgment. This one is so incredibly important. Self-validation is a no judgment and no shame zone.
Normalize your current state. Normalize to yourself and your own experience, not in comparison to others.
When you are not sure how you feel, use thoughts, body sensations, or your own past experiences to help you figure out and validate what you’re feeling.
Examples
Validating: “I feel anxious right now. I started feeling this way when I heard that I have to give a presentation in class tomorrow. It is okay that I feel anxious. It is normal to feel anxiety sometimes.”
Invalidating: “I feel anxious right now, and I hate feeling this way. I shouldn’t feel this way. It’s stupid to be anxious about this.”
Validating: “I know I don’t feel well, but I don’t know how I feel exactly or why. I have a headache and my chest hurts. This is how I felt when I was sad in the past. It is understandable that I would feel sad on the last day of school because I will miss my friends.”
Invalidating: “I feel bad. My head and chest hurt. What’s wrong with me? No one else looks like they’re feeling this way. There must be something wrong with me.”
Practice, Practice, Practice!
Just like any other skill, self-validation takes practice to become better at doing it. Let’s start now. Take a moment to recognize your current state. Be honest about it. Validate it. No matter what it is. Accept it and know that it’s okay.